Thursday, September 24, 2009

A wonderful offer

If you don't regularly read Iowahawk, you should. Aside from I-35, he's by far the best thing to come out of Iowa. His latest piece mocks the NEA conference call mini-scandal that we learned about earlier this week. A taste:

Unlike traditional art schools, the Federal Art Instruction Institute doesn't waste your time on boring Post-Modernist theory, messy bodily fluids, or painful self mutilation. With our easy-to-learn program you will quickly learn how to channel your natural artistic ability and suburban self-loathing at state enemies who, when you think about it, are a lot like your parents.

Can you draw triangles? The Federal Art Instruction Institute will show you the easy way to turn them into Ku Klux Klan hoods. Turn them upside down and they become scary vampire fangs! Even a simple black rectangle can become a Hitler mustache with our easy to learn methods.

And who might be able to profit from the experience? Iowahawk has the answer:

But I can't draw. Can I still take advantage of this exciting program?

No problem! Thanks to new NEA guidelines, anybody can be an artist! Are you a musician? filmmaker? Web designer? Guerrilla marketer? Graffiti tagger? HopCore ElectroChill DJ? Freelance vandal? Whatever your mode of expressive behavior the NEA has a sweet load of grant money waiting -- and qualifying has never been easier! Do you have --

* an ironic trucker hat?
* ironic facial hair?
* ironic douchebag glasses?
* a vocabulary that includes "bringing utilities" and "mindspace"?
* deep insecurities about your place in the art world hipster food chain?
* a slavish desire to do the bidding of your government?
* no idea what "ironic" really means?

Can you --

* Follow orders?
* Take a hint?
* Maintain plausible deniability?
* Keep your mouth shut?

Then you just might qualify as a student in one of FAII's prestigious secret conference call classrooms!

Read the whole thing. Now. Don't hesitate.

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