Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The dark side of the western suburbs

I think I remember storylines like these on Dragnet.

From the annals of the West Metro Police Blotter:

Welfare check. Someone called police to ask that they check on the welfare of a woman in the 800 block of Third Avenue. The caller said the woman was acting strangely, standing in one place and looking down at the ground and not moving when a vehicle approached. An officer located the woman, who told the officer she was OK; she was just helping some worms get over a curb and into some grass. (Charter member, PETA Nutcase)

Miscellaneous. An Excelsior resident called police to request assistance in retrieving five kittens that were stuck in some rafters of a building. The kittens were too far into the rafters to be retrieved, however. The caller was referred to wildlife management service. (they got up there, they can get down---firing off a few rounds may have motivated them)

Assault. Police were called to Maynard's at 685 Excelsior Blvd. regarding a disturbance. Three drunk men had reportedly thrown a dead fish at an employee. Officers were unable to locate the men. (it's been a long time since my drunken party days, I guess I could see myself chucking a dead fish at someone who torqued me off while I was inebriated)

Animal complaint. Hennepin County Water Patrol responded to reports of a dead dog in the 27700 block of Island View Drive. It was actually a dead beaver. (the other white meat, a different take on roadkill stew)

Animal complaint. Someone reported that an opossum had crawled into a garage in the 5500 block of Gideons Lane. A community service officer captured it. (do you think Pa Ingalls would have called the authorities if an opossum ambled into his shed---for crying out loud, grab a bat and chase the varmint out of there yourself)


  1. pa ingells whould have grabbed a bat, and ma ingells would have brought the pot.

  2. Great. Next thing you know they're going to try and limit our right to keep and bear dead fish. Remember, when dead fish are outlawed, only outlaws (and drunks) will have dead fish.

    What we need is for everyone to carry dead fish. As Heinlein postulated: "An armed society is a polite society.