The dark side of the western suburbs

I think I remember storylines like these on Dragnet.

From the annals of the West Metro Police Blotter:

Welfare check. Someone called police to ask that they check on the welfare of a woman in the 800 block of Third Avenue. The caller said the woman was acting strangely, standing in one place and looking down at the ground and not moving when a vehicle approached. An officer located the woman, who told the officer she was OK; she was just helping some worms get over a curb and into some grass. (Charter member, PETA Nutcase)

Miscellaneous. An Excelsior resident called police to request assistance in retrieving five kittens that were stuck in some rafters of a building. The kittens were too far into the rafters to be retrieved, however. The caller was referred to wildlife management service. (they got up there, they can get down---firing off a few rounds may have motivated them)

Assault. Police were called to Maynard's at 685 Excelsior Blvd. regarding a disturbance. Three drunk men had reportedly thrown a dead fish at an employee. Officers were unable to locate the men. (it's been a long time since my drunken party days, I guess I could see myself chucking a dead fish at someone who torqued me off while I was inebriated)

Animal complaint. Hennepin County Water Patrol responded to reports of a dead dog in the 27700 block of Island View Drive. It was actually a dead beaver. (the other white meat, a different take on roadkill stew)

Animal complaint. Someone reported that an opossum had crawled into a garage in the 5500 block of Gideons Lane. A community service officer captured it. (do you think Pa Ingalls would have called the authorities if an opossum ambled into his shed---for crying out loud, grab a bat and chase the varmint out of there yourself)